the hannah tea.'s experiments in humanity « live subjects ¤ track record »
the hannah tea.

We do not see the world as
it is. We see it as we are.
-Anais Nin

« proof of existence ‡ It's not much excitement yet. YET. »
« strange new world -§- enter my headspace »
« always a curious girl -§- proof »

the result of squee. «monday july 05 2004 ‡ 8:49pm»
« mood ‡ one moment at a time, thanks. »

boy am i in trouble. =)

love,
hannah

1 human subject ¤ participate in the study

oh ok fine so here: «sunday july 04 2004 ‡ 10:33pm»
« mood ‡ cheerful »

hannah = silly. but i embrace this silliness! so i'm completely happy and stupid, sometimes. that's ok! it's café-au-lait by me. this permissiveness towards silliness is a huge contribution to aforementioned wellspring of joy.

still! i want to stay aware and try to be wise on the situation and all parties involved. you know? so for now i keep my hopes high but my expectations low. it mostly works, as a plan. and it does still leave room for a small amount of squee.

jade's house was an awesome reset. my head still feels full, but i'm a little clearer about it, at least. at least - i feel like i know what's going on up there again. sometimes...my brain gets carried away. forgets to keep me up-to-speed on the important details. i'd like to say i have a plan, but...that's not really the case, heh. only the usual plan - complete confidence in my ability to face whatever situation arises. =) this is peace of mind, folks.

ok that's all you get for now. time to go love on the lilah-kitty. she got all scared from neighborhood fireworks, plus then i owe her sleeping in my own bed tonight so she doesn't get bored and lonely.

love,
hannah

3 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

the faces change, but the ideas stay the same. «sunday july 04 2004 ‡ 11:05am»
« mood ‡ hedonistic. »

weekend fun: worth the pain.
headspace since then: cluttered. messy.
body status: fifteen times better since sleep finally happened.
drive down to woodland park: long
how much grateful i am for a getaway: LOTS.
what i hope will result: headspace reset.

sure enough, as i write this. it's a window into my head, for sure. but it's only what i want people to see. just know that there's more going on up there, and maybe some of you will hear about it sooner or later. whenever i make up my mind and/or set up my resolve so that i stick to smart decisions, even when they're no fun.

love,
hannah

1 human subject ¤ participate in the study

the voodoo-who-do-what-you-don't-dare-do-people. «wednesday june 30 2004 ‡ 7:04am»
« mood ‡ exhausted »

Dear Body,

This is Hannah, your abusive owner. Please last through work today (and also the drive home) and I promise there will be napping. I'll even treat you extra nice the whole rest of the week - and maybe into the weekend, too! I understand if this is a lot to ask, but I promise it's not going to be a regular occurance anymore.

Love,
Hannah

4 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

i'm sunshine, and you're the fucking rainbow. =P «sunday june 27 2004 ‡ 5:16pm»
« mood ‡ downright GIDDY »

what an awesome day, today. got up early to go march in the Pride Parade with Amnesty International. in and out of the float i spent 9 hours working on yesterday. (and when i left they still weren't finished!) it was such a riot. it had the feel of a block party. the energy was so high....you stepped into cheeseman park this morning where everyone was gathered to start, and it was like a rush. it was - literally - like getting high on good moods. there was lots of music, smiling, laughing, dancing, joking. lots of: !!!

got to dance down the street handing out AI literature, got sunburnt, and this will be about the 5th day in a row that i pass my time with two of my favorite people on the planet - dave and brett. i called my dad and he was all excited that i was marching in the parade. and so was i.

afterwards we walked over to Peter's Chinese and had some yummy fried rice, etc. and then we all came back and crashed out on my bed for a nice afternoon nap.

and now i'm headed out to spin at a party. i cannot think of a better way to end the day. well, ok, maybe i can come up with something....;)

love,
hannah

PS> 7 hours later...

that party was like some cosmic battle between good and evil. but i had the turntables and some serious shield, so i got to rock out anyways. it was nice. finally getting the knack, and plus, i felt like i was really contributing heavy-duty positive energy to situation that was very much slime vs. shine. never thought of my records like weapons of vibe-warfare before tonight. splat, splat, spl-at...that's right folks - no mercy. we're slinging the funky breaks here.

2 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

the point is - it's over now. «friday june 25 2004 ‡ 9:54pm»
« mood ‡ distressed »

i have my car. this means i can, in fact, DRIVE TO MY JOB ON MONDAY. honestly, i don't want to go into the detail on the familial upheaval surrounding the situation. i think it could be best summed-up by a quote from peter: "Your mom and I are almost at a divorce situation on account of your irresponsibility." which, of course, is complete and total bullshit.

honestly...i don't ever want to see peter again, as much as that's probably not a feasible request. i basically only put up with him for mom's sake anyways. i hope my mom is ok. i hope my siblings are ok. i wish rachel had moved out for college, but....her deal not mine. sarah and melissa seem fine. i hope andrew doesn't go crazy having rebecca around all the time. i hope rebecca goes to hell. that's not very nice to wish on a 12-year-old. but that doesn't mean i don't still think she deserves it, the little bitch.

i'm finally getting to rebuilding. i can't even begin to say how hopeful i am, this time. how much better i'm determined to do. how i'd even like to make mom proud, but mostly...to not shame myself anymore. i've got a plan. i'm taking action. i swear to god, i'm going to get it right this go-round. i promise. consider it accomplished.

yeah.

love,
hannah

4 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

what's she BUILDING in there? «friday june 25 2004 ‡ 1:31am»
« mood ‡ hungry for knowledge »

mostly a lot of quiet absorption. circular motion in a reversable ocean.

I want a lot of things. I think a lot of things are interesting. There has been a burning desire to move towards a harmony of simplicity and coziness. Thinking along the lines of alternative residence, maybe even an unusual pet, though i'm not sure how The Usual Pet would feel about either. Her opinion aside, I was particularly mesmerized by the idea of sleep suspension, and of course, other ridiculous bells and whistles.

I can feel this (weirdness =P) calling. But sure, I still have my self-doubt. I don't want to waste my time in useless pursuits, but yet I also need to take some before I decide. And it's all wind until i'm finished with school and Peace Corps anyways. But perhaps that would be the perfect transition point. To spend 2.25 years abroad somewhere, living with nothing, and then return to more living with nothing. Or at least, very little. Maybe I could even spend time in an eco village. Would I need to move out of the US? Could I have a simple life and still have hobbies like spinning? Would that matter to me? The idea of making a switch to the unusual is much less scary as an Experiment. But maybe if I liked it, it could be a Permanent Change.

Change is subtle, sometimes. Someone who looks exactly the same as yesterday has permanently-altered thought patterns. That's not me, necessarily, I'm just sayin.

These are all just thoughts in my head.

love,
hannah

¤ participate in the study

it's good to be loved. «wednesday june 23 2004 ‡ 2:40am»
« mood ‡ cheerful »

ah, my dearest little sis (rachel).
...
[21:02] her: hey
[21:02] *** Auto-response sent to my sister: i will have energy
i Am energy.
[21:03] her: ok funky punky sis you need new away message b/c i know that you are normal deep down inside
...
incidentally, that quote in my away message comes from this neat find...YES it is worth the wait...

you know...i like dave, alot. he's infectious good vibe. always puts me in a good mood to be in his general vicinity.

i'm feeling very...good vibes. good things happened today, good mood, good company. plenty of walking around....god, yeah. come to think of it...3+ hours of it. just general relaxation. hope. cheer. calm. !and i got some tea.

so hey. i'll share some of my cheer with you if you'll have it. =)

love,
hannah

4 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

i embrace misinterpretation. «monday june 21 2004 ‡ 12:34pm»
« mood ‡ life is odd. »

i got a job i don't know what to make of last night i had a good time out with pretty boy we went to a ton of cool places and did a lot of walking which i'm always squee about i came home to something really unexpected and i'm still not sure how i feel about it and how to react and what to say it hit me out of left field i'm still thinking over what i should do if anything i need to get out more left field is a re-occurring theme of late just too many things i'm unprepared for or things turning out to be completely different than i'd thought or what have you and it's not bad i don't mind i just feel like i'm spending a lot of time being caught-off-guard i'd like to go on a date again dating sucks i hate it i've been listening to this music over and over again i'm going to be self-sufficient again that makes me really happy i suffer from a complete lack of hot tea i can now start looking for a place to live which makes me happy i should maybe stay here long enough to get a buffer in i hope this job is ok and doesn't suck my soul away it is after all phone bitchness which is funny because i hate talking on the telephone but i think that's only because i'm so businesslike and abrupt even if i really like you i'm gonna need to get my car but i look forward to not imposing on others anymore i need to live somewhere with a lot of trees i need my own space i might need to take internet classes for the first semester that might be sad i'm looking to have my own garden my room is really clean it's so nice to be in and the cat is much calmer i'm making a birthday present it's turning out pretty cool and i'm proud i have nothing to do for the next week because i have no car also no money until my first paycheck i'm looking to grow up and be more responsible than i've been i'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck it's too much pressure i want to settle down and turn into the adult i am.

i've got a different thought for every click of the wheel.

love,
hannah

¤ participate in the study

get down everybody. «saturday june 19 2004 ‡ 7:17pm»
« mood ‡ cheerful »

drama drama drama. yesterday was just loaded with it, blah. went to a party where the instant i got through the door i felt like some sort of unpleasant surprise. as it happens....it was more my cohort than me. but, i'm sure...me too. it was just more awkwardness than i could handle. but....things improved as the night went on. the group of people re-congealed. some left, some came. but eventually the mixture mellowed again. and thank god. because i'm prey to social paranoia more often than not, it's true. i'm no butterfly, my friends.

but i think the re-occurring theme is: RELAX YOUR PERCEPTIONS, Hannah. i keep stumbling over my own misconceptions, and it's really starting to get on my nerves. sooooooo i'm gonna work on shutting up the usual inner monologue. again.

see these words? this is medatative motion.

love,
hannah

2 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

this day was brought to you by: SATAN. and the letter M. «thursday june 17 2004 ‡ 9:41pm»
« mood ‡ cold »

sad hannah is having to re-evaluate her original plans. it's ok. she understands. idealism happens. it's not like i'm ashamed of it, even when it doesn't work out.

That's right. I'm caused by SATAN, kiddies.Collapse )

in other news, i had an interview today. i'm happy that: i didn't get drenched like a drowned rat BEFORE the interview. i did afterwards, but whatever. what's cold, tired, drenched, sore and frustrated after the interview matter for anyways? i'm maniacal and mercenary, it's true.

fortunately, also, for my day: i finished Siddharta. i'm not going to bother to recommend it, because i think if you want to read it...you will. but i'll be happy to loan it out (not mine anyways!) and smile and say i really enjoyed it and thought it was mind-altering, in a gentle-nudge-towards-peace sort of way.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT OK.
that's pretty much the only conclusion i came to.

love,
hannah

3 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

serassi = heart twin. «wednesday june 16 2004 ‡ 8:35pm»
« mood ‡ contemplative »

something about today. blame it on the rain. blame it on something. blame it on anything except me. blame it on yesterday? yeah...let's start with yesterday.

i went and spent some time with matt (murphy). brett came along. he has a really nice little apartment right next to DU. he made tea. he sat around and made music. just, here's some really pretty piano lines and wait, here, listen to this song, and quick, let me create some riffs and loops out of thin air, or use the echo off the building across the street to make a line of percussion. he's really talented. i mean. granted, i've always known this. but...i sat still, drinking my tea and reading a music philosophy book by the guy who wrote High Fidelity, and i wondered what life would have been like if i'd gotten lost in a passion like he does. he's going to study abroad in new zealand in a month or so, on a scholarship. in his space...it's very quiet and clean. i felt out of place.

+Collapse )

and for everything i've gained there's been a cost.
and for everything i've been given, something's lost.

i've tried to be air, to let the universe move through me. tried to be clean and empty like a flame. and the harder i tried...it's just....i'm mud, right now. water + earth. everything hits home, it just takes longer for the ripples to sink and spread. and it's less obvious. i'm somehow going about this the wrong way, maybe? "you keep setting yourself up in situations you can't win, to reaffirm your belief that you're a failure." is that really true? maybe that's what i get for sleeping 19 years? some things are already rocks in the stream, affecting the course of the river-to-be. what i'm really asking is...how do i remove the rocks without getting swept under? this is when i feel it would be much easier to believe some god could wipe me clean again. but i want this pattern to produce growth.

just a rhetorical, open-ended essay question.

love,
hannah

7 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

i guess it's time. «monday june 14 2004 ‡ 4:13pm»
« mood ‡ =\ »

lost her partner in crime.

~h

4 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

PAY ATTENTION. I have an important announcement. «monday june 14 2004 ‡ 2:52am»
« mood ‡ cheerful »

Touch is a necessary luxury!
skin to skin, honest-to-god, real-life human contact.
anyone who says otherwise is selling something.
thank you for your time -
you may now go back to what you were doing prior.
love,
hannah

1 human subject ¤ participate in the study

the only time i never lie. «saturday june 12 2004 ‡ 1:48am»
« mood ‡ indescribable »



i'm like octoberCollapse )

2 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

headspace #13. «thursday june 10 2004 ‡ 12:49pm»
« mood ‡ contemplative »

it's rough against my cheek. but i'm still too unstable to walk, so like as not i'm gonna lay here till i'm not so weak. looks like it's raining. hundreds of droplets exploding upwards, as if from beneath the cement in a desperate attempt to meet the sky. only to sigh and resign and reassign themselves into determined little rivulets...going somewhere fast, going places, slipping into the cracks and alloted sewage spaces.

still.
...Collapse )

4 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

day = dichotomy «wednesday june 09 2004 ‡ 5:19am»
« mood ‡ still a wee bit sick. »

on the downside, i've been pretty sick, so i went ahead and slept almost all day. started with a raging sore throat (which i had chalked up to the whole quit bit), and progressed to chills and fever, achy, etc shortly after i laid down to go to sleep at 9am this morning...and i'm not sure i actually slept until noonish. or if i did, it just felt like i was some sort of half-conscious human sandbag.

on the upside, i found this: 99 rooms. creepy lovely.

downside: i got Nothing done today. which, normally might be ok. but right now there are too many things hanging in the balance for me to just walk away from the helm for a bit.

!!! highlight! matt murphy dropped a line to me via aim. this means whereas i had just given up hope of ever seeing him again, being as i lost his number with the tragic loss of my cellphone...there will be coffee and chess once more! hoorah! i was am very excited. there is, once again, return to the original - natural harmonics between us. i look forward to it.

love,
hannah

3 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

one day you will blossom, one day when you're ready. «monday june 07 2004 ‡ 10:06am»
« mood ‡ curious »

yeah...yesterday was just a generally obnoxious day, as far as my thoughts/feelings were concerned. took a long walk around downtown denver last night, and talked to brett a bunch and was able to straighten out some of the messiness. just a reminder that nobody is above being completely retarded from time to time.

but today seems to be doing better. i'm still wrestling with a few things in my head, but hopefully resolution will arrive on my doorstep soon, so i should probably just drop it and stop chewing the issues to pieces. just relax and let things happen as they are meant to...in all areas of life. that had been the plan, that is still the plan. JUST CHILL OUT, HANNAH.

from the department of weird shit:
i think i must have been bitten by something. i woke up this morning, and what looked like a small nothing yesterday had swollen up and my whole hand was sore. great. i'm probably dying of west nile or whatnot...heh. nevertheless, will page my aunt the doctor if it looks like it's getting worse in the next day or so.

anyways...i'm stalling. i'm all dressed up to go interviewing, so i should just get it over with so i don't have to stay in this ridculous pair of hose anymore. off i go!

love,
hannah

1 human subject ¤ participate in the study

you know i thought maybe. «sunday june 06 2004 ‡ 8:02pm»
« mood ‡ disappointed »

but probably just nevermind. just forget the idea even had it's time. i don't know. it seemed possible...even probable...for a minute or two. but that was probably me deluding myself. and now it's time to snap back into focus and forget about it. besides, i've already gone and tangled things further. maybe it's better just to cut the webstrings that tie me to the whole idea. maybe i'm already free of it anyways. probably. i. yeah. seriously. what was i thinking. god. it was a nice thought, though. it was a really lovely thought.
love,
hannah

6 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

don't even toe the line today. «thursday june 03 2004 ‡ 12:31pm»
« mood ‡ withdrawn. »

i'm out of my apartment. finally. we went down last night around 11pm to finish off with the cleaning, etc. except brett had to pull off the road because he was falling asleep. so we slept at the scenic overlook just outside town for about an hour and a half. oops.

so we ended up crashing on the mattress, which was left behind at the house, due to some circumstances i'm not even sure i feel like talking about. suffice to say, there was just a little more idealism robbed yesterday. something permanently altered. not through one experience, but the culmination of too many. suffice to say, the next time i take the help of someone who gives to get....they'll have to take whatever they can find off my dead body. there is a long rant stewing about how i hate people who give with conditions and strings attatched. fucking do or don't. don't do me a favor and use it to make me your slave. keep your goddamn favors.

nothing like moving to make you realize how much useless crap you keep around. i'm moving towards a stuff-less life.

never thought i would abandon my stance that people are naturally good. i'm just not feeling very patient today. i'm not feeling like i want to put up with much. i'm not feeling up to being drained. i'm not feeling tolerant enough for needless energy exchange. safer just to stay away. trust me. lately, i've been a lot less tolerant of people in general. all of you. so busy wrapped up in your own little existence. too busy collecting useless crap to notice anything beyond the shiny packaging. selfish to the core. i never cease to be surprised how much. long ago forgot how to treat anyone else like another human being. i'm feeling SO antisocial right now. i may be an honest-to-god loner sooner than expected. guess there are two sides to every coin. some personal-growth work i've been toiling over for about 4 years came to completion over the course of my trip. but it does change how i interact with most anything/anyone outside my own head. and not always for the better, unfortunately. which just means...there's still growth to be had.

and in this frame of mind, i'm going to go visit my family. my sister is graduating. my dad's mom is in town, as is his oldest brother. i'm sure this means i'm in for all sorts of conversations i'd rather not even begin. i'm just going to wear a shirt that says "MY IDEALS DON'T MATCH YOURS. Now can we talk about something else?" i just hate getting sucked into discussions that go nowhere for hours, and upset both parties.

in other news, i straightened out issues with my parents on the car. they are now not going to just take it off my hands. if i can sell it, the money is mine, short of expenses, etc. so. yay. now i just have to get that taken care of. just put it on my list.

love,
hannah

3 human subjects ¤ participate in the study

labyrinthine
« coming to conlusions -§- recent discoveries »
« enlightenment for air-§- watch the progression »