something about today. blame it on the rain. blame it on something. blame it on anything except me. blame it on yesterday? yeah...let's start with yesterday.
i went and spent some time with matt (murphy). brett came along. he has a really nice little apartment right next to DU. he made tea. he sat around and made music. just, here's some really pretty piano lines and wait, here, listen to this song, and quick, let me create some riffs and loops out of thin air, or use the echo off the building across the street to make a line of percussion. he's really talented. i mean. granted, i've always known this. but...i sat still, drinking my tea and reading a music philosophy book by the guy who wrote High Fidelity, and i wondered what life would have been like if i'd gotten lost in a passion like he does. he's going to study abroad in new zealand in a month or so, on a scholarship. in his space...it's very quiet and clean. i felt out of place.
( +Collapse )
and for everything i've gained there's been a cost.
and for everything i've been given, something's lost.
i've tried to be air, to let the universe move through me. tried to be clean and empty like a flame. and the harder i tried...it's just....i'm mud, right now. water + earth. everything hits home, it just takes longer for the ripples to sink and spread. and it's less obvious. i'm somehow going about this the wrong way, maybe? "you keep setting yourself up in situations you can't win, to reaffirm your belief that you're a failure." is that really true? maybe that's what i get for sleeping 19 years? some things are already rocks in the stream, affecting the course of the river-to-be. what i'm really asking is...how do i remove the rocks without getting swept under? this is when i feel it would be much easier to believe some god could wipe me clean again. but i want this pattern to produce growth.
just a rhetorical, open-ended essay question.