i went and spent some time with matt (murphy). brett came along. he has a really nice little apartment right next to DU. he made tea. he sat around and made music. just, here's some really pretty piano lines and wait, here, listen to this song, and quick, let me create some riffs and loops out of thin air, or use the echo off the building across the street to make a line of percussion. he's really talented. i mean. granted, i've always known this. but...i sat still, drinking my tea and reading a music philosophy book by the guy who wrote High Fidelity, and i wondered what life would have been like if i'd gotten lost in a passion like he does. he's going to study abroad in new zealand in a month or so, on a scholarship. in his space...it's very quiet and clean. i felt out of place.
i thought about christina today. thought i had closure in dreams. for a whole month i had dreams about rejection, on and off. but then one day...i dreamed that somehow things got patched up. but. that was just a dream. i guess...i need to let go. people change. things change. i felt somehow unfairly judged, misrepresented as whatever. the point of the matter is, i felt like i was still hannah. even though some things had changed, fundamentally i was still me, and that somehow i'd been branded as something else. that something else we all used to look down on...yeah i did it, too. i just want to say...i'm sorry i changed to a point where i wasn't someone you wanted to be around anymore. and now i need to let go.
this is a reoccurring trend. there are yet other situations, other cycles where i feel i'm stuck repeating because i got past the point of no-return-to-nothingness, and then never closed the loop. i'd like to feel that i'm capable of sealing these things off by myself. am i just not trying hard enough? what do i want? what do i need here? some sort of ritual to cut the ties that bind? some sort of memory modification, for peace of mind? baggage, is what they're going to call this in 20 years, sometime after my first divorce. or because i wouldn't ever walk the aisle. because the difference is...i can feel this sap crystalizing around me. i'm not gonna wake up one day and wonder where these issues came from. i'm watching them happen. i just want to know how to stop them from hardening.
and for everything i've gained there's been a cost.
and for everything i've been given, something's lost.
i've tried to be air, to let the universe move through me. tried to be clean and empty like a flame. and the harder i tried...it's just....i'm mud, right now. water + earth. everything hits home, it just takes longer for the ripples to sink and spread. and it's less obvious. i'm somehow going about this the wrong way, maybe? "you keep setting yourself up in situations you can't win, to reaffirm your belief that you're a failure." is that really true? maybe that's what i get for sleeping 19 years? some things are already rocks in the stream, affecting the course of the river-to-be. what i'm really asking is...how do i remove the rocks without getting swept under? this is when i feel it would be much easier to believe some god could wipe me clean again. but i want this pattern to produce growth.
just a rhetorical, open-ended essay question.